A Nine Year Old's Suicide Note

Dear mommy and daddy and everyone else,

I had lots of fun with you. But I got bored of having fun. The other things to do, in which you don't have fun, are terribly boring too. So, like I told all of you, I decided to die. I am sorry for being a disobedient girl. You all told me not to die for some reason. Mommy, you, asked me to think about how daddy would feel and daddy told me that mommy couldn't live without me. Suzie told me to not make mom and dad feel bad. Brother asked me to stay alive for my friends and his friend Dave told me that my brother loved me and this would hurt him a lot. But I think either all of you are lying or none of you know the truth. Because I spoke to all the people who others said would miss me. And all of them said that somebody else will mind. But nobody told me that they wanted me to live. Nobody said that they will miss me, or that they will be sad if I am not here anymore. So I asked all of you and no one had any problem. For all of the people each of you mentioned, I spoke to them and found out that they don't mind me dying.

So I am going to die, Good Bye. It was a lot of fun to have lived with all of you.HUG.BYEBYE!!!

Amy

Female Standard Time

This one is for all my male friends and all my female friends' male friends.

Guys around the World, understand this: women don't run on Greenwich Mean Time (no, not even the ones in Greenwich ) and you cannot blame them for it. Do not badger them with the virtues of punctuality and don't even try to impress upon them how extremely boring your wait for their arrival was. Trust me, they are not at fault. On the contrary, it is you who is unbelievably ignorant and naive!

My dear gentlemen, welcome to the concept of Female Standard Time( FST ) ! Women function on this completely different time zone than those mindlessly defined on our male dominated planet. The zone in which a woman resides in Female Standard Time is related to your idea of timezone in the following manner:

1. In FST events are marked by the time when preparation for it begins as opposed to when the event itself is held as is the custom in your timezones.

2. The beginning of preparation for any event in FST is set exactly half hour before the event itself is scheduled in the corresponding local time of the region.

3. Any event in FST takes place exactly after the necessary preparations are duly completed barring emergency situations.

4. Emergencies include bad hair days, chipped nail paint, broken heels and the likes.

Once you make yourself familiar with the above concept, you will realize that the women in your life are always on time! For any event scheduled in local time, they punctually start preparing exactly half hour before. That girls are always early for classes but late for dates is a direct corollary, since the first takes around fifteen minutes to get ready for while the second takes hours! The fact that breakfast is always too early and dinner always too late is another very straightforward outcome of the above principles.

I hope I have cast enough light on the issue to make all rational men realize how unfair they are to think women have no sense of time. I hope to see them acknowledge the timezone mismatch, and schedule their appointments with women accordingly. But then again, I'm hoping for rational men to exist, which in itself is far-fetched...