The Elephant Speaks

Hey guys! So what villages have you been up to destroying? Guess where I was?That's right, The Indian Institute of Technology, no less!Oh by the way, the largest campus thing is just hype, its really not that big a deal. I mean, I couldn't walk down those roads without knocking one of their light sticks over...what do you call them...lampposts or something!And they didn't even allow me entrance at the main gate.I had to go all the way around and break a wall down.Outrageous , I tell you! But I'll grant them one thing; for people dedicated to the service of the nation, they sure know how to make their guests feel important! They acted lie my visit was the single most important thing to have happened to them in ages! They actually put up gtalk and facebook status messages up to honour my visit. I hear some of them even had group threads running, tracking my every move. But do you know what touched my heart most? After days of watching people running away from me like I am some kind of monster, finally I found some respect. They actually left the comforts of their rooms on a cold night just to catch a glimpse of me! Such love! How I wish I could fix their lamp-thingy! But you know what? I think I'll be famous! No, I'm not just talking of the news coverage, guys. Some kid in there is actually writing a whole blog all about me! Oh if only it gets published somewhere! I can sort of understand why, though! I got bored of the place in mere hours, wonder what four entire years of it can do to you....

Something Creative

I had a break-up, or perhaps I should say I had another break-up. And I decided I don't want another relationship. Don't get me wrong, I love relationships, particularly the part where guys go out of their ways to find creative ways to woo girls. I even like the next phase where they pay for your dinners and celebrate anniversaries with you. What I absolutely hate are the break-ups. If you are wondering why someone as awesome as me is writing such a sentimental post-break-up lament, rest assured, I am not. I am not begrudging guys the joy of breaking up at all. I fully appreciate the fact that a break up is their birth right and they shall have it. My only disappointment lies in how extremely unimaginative they are at it!

Consider the reasons guys give for a break-up and how boring and pointless they are! The first and most classic one: "I need space"...umm... go get a flat? I mean when you asked me out, you did know I am not in the land allocation committee, right? And they usually save this one for when you are a thousand miles away from them!

The second glorious, all pervading reason is "You have changed". Well, mate, if your affection is so subject to temporal invariance, maybe you should date The Statue of Liberty. Anyway I have been told ( by an overzealous metallurgist) that her nose is corroding, so I guess she doesn't make the cut either.

This one is my personal favourite: "Things have changed". Yes dear, they have! Your precious white shirt for example is no longer white, or even much of a shirt, but trust me that is in no way my fault! Neither is the death of the hamster aunt Muriel gave you.

Face it guys, you suck at explaining yourselves. So you have two options. The first, play it safe with "I don't know". Trust me it won't take any girl very long to add this one more thing to the long list which you have no clue about. This however I am now utterly bored of and have no intention of putting up with.

The second, and this is the only thing that can lure me into a relationship, is to be creative! Lets face it, your reasons are never believable anyway. So the least you can do is make them interesting! I am listing a few possible openings that you might want to build on:

1. I got mutated and I turn into a toad every full moon...

2. I just realized my imaginary friend Alex is a girl...

3. I own a pink shirt...

4. My nose grows an inch every time I kiss...

5. I have developed a fetish for green skin...

But honestly, if you really want that break-up, you could try "I'm just not that into you"...

A Nine Year Old's Suicide Note

Dear mommy and daddy and everyone else,

I had lots of fun with you. But I got bored of having fun. The other things to do, in which you don't have fun, are terribly boring too. So, like I told all of you, I decided to die. I am sorry for being a disobedient girl. You all told me not to die for some reason. Mommy, you, asked me to think about how daddy would feel and daddy told me that mommy couldn't live without me. Suzie told me to not make mom and dad feel bad. Brother asked me to stay alive for my friends and his friend Dave told me that my brother loved me and this would hurt him a lot. But I think either all of you are lying or none of you know the truth. Because I spoke to all the people who others said would miss me. And all of them said that somebody else will mind. But nobody told me that they wanted me to live. Nobody said that they will miss me, or that they will be sad if I am not here anymore. So I asked all of you and no one had any problem. For all of the people each of you mentioned, I spoke to them and found out that they don't mind me dying.

So I am going to die, Good Bye. It was a lot of fun to have lived with all of you.HUG.BYEBYE!!!

Amy

Female Standard Time

This one is for all my male friends and all my female friends' male friends.

Guys around the World, understand this: women don't run on Greenwich Mean Time (no, not even the ones in Greenwich ) and you cannot blame them for it. Do not badger them with the virtues of punctuality and don't even try to impress upon them how extremely boring your wait for their arrival was. Trust me, they are not at fault. On the contrary, it is you who is unbelievably ignorant and naive!

My dear gentlemen, welcome to the concept of Female Standard Time( FST ) ! Women function on this completely different time zone than those mindlessly defined on our male dominated planet. The zone in which a woman resides in Female Standard Time is related to your idea of timezone in the following manner:

1. In FST events are marked by the time when preparation for it begins as opposed to when the event itself is held as is the custom in your timezones.

2. The beginning of preparation for any event in FST is set exactly half hour before the event itself is scheduled in the corresponding local time of the region.

3. Any event in FST takes place exactly after the necessary preparations are duly completed barring emergency situations.

4. Emergencies include bad hair days, chipped nail paint, broken heels and the likes.

Once you make yourself familiar with the above concept, you will realize that the women in your life are always on time! For any event scheduled in local time, they punctually start preparing exactly half hour before. That girls are always early for classes but late for dates is a direct corollary, since the first takes around fifteen minutes to get ready for while the second takes hours! The fact that breakfast is always too early and dinner always too late is another very straightforward outcome of the above principles.

I hope I have cast enough light on the issue to make all rational men realize how unfair they are to think women have no sense of time. I hope to see them acknowledge the timezone mismatch, and schedule their appointments with women accordingly. But then again, I'm hoping for rational men to exist, which in itself is far-fetched...