Something Creative

I had a break-up, or perhaps I should say I had another break-up. And I decided I don't want another relationship. Don't get me wrong, I love relationships, particularly the part where guys go out of their ways to find creative ways to woo girls. I even like the next phase where they pay for your dinners and celebrate anniversaries with you. What I absolutely hate are the break-ups. If you are wondering why someone as awesome as me is writing such a sentimental post-break-up lament, rest assured, I am not. I am not begrudging guys the joy of breaking up at all. I fully appreciate the fact that a break up is their birth right and they shall have it. My only disappointment lies in how extremely unimaginative they are at it!

Consider the reasons guys give for a break-up and how boring and pointless they are! The first and most classic one: "I need space"...umm... go get a flat? I mean when you asked me out, you did know I am not in the land allocation committee, right? And they usually save this one for when you are a thousand miles away from them!

The second glorious, all pervading reason is "You have changed". Well, mate, if your affection is so subject to temporal invariance, maybe you should date The Statue of Liberty. Anyway I have been told ( by an overzealous metallurgist) that her nose is corroding, so I guess she doesn't make the cut either.

This one is my personal favourite: "Things have changed". Yes dear, they have! Your precious white shirt for example is no longer white, or even much of a shirt, but trust me that is in no way my fault! Neither is the death of the hamster aunt Muriel gave you.

Face it guys, you suck at explaining yourselves. So you have two options. The first, play it safe with "I don't know". Trust me it won't take any girl very long to add this one more thing to the long list which you have no clue about. This however I am now utterly bored of and have no intention of putting up with.

The second, and this is the only thing that can lure me into a relationship, is to be creative! Lets face it, your reasons are never believable anyway. So the least you can do is make them interesting! I am listing a few possible openings that you might want to build on:

1. I got mutated and I turn into a toad every full moon...

2. I just realized my imaginary friend Alex is a girl...

3. I own a pink shirt...

4. My nose grows an inch every time I kiss...

5. I have developed a fetish for green skin...

But honestly, if you really want that break-up, you could try "I'm just not that into you"...